Marvel May - X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

        Hey guys, Chuck here, and we're continuing Marvel May with a movie that was truly rock bottom for the X-Men franchise. In fact, this movie was so bad, that the only movie worse than this one from the summer of 2009 was Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Yeah, this movie is that bad. May I present the worst X-Men movie of all time: X-Men Origins: Wolverine. 

        So, for the sake of context, 20th Century Fox had announced that in lieu of follow ups to X-Men: The Last Stand, the studio would instead focus on origin movies of some of the mutants in the X-Men franchise, with the two they announced being origin movies for Wolverine and Magneto. Well, with how X-Men Origins: Wolverine fared with critics, fans, and at the box office, I'm not surprised that the announced X-Men Origins: Magneto project was scrapped, and elements from it incorporated into the 2011 film X-Men: First Class. Yeah, this was the ONLY X-Men Origins movie, and I think we can sleep soundly appreciating that they didn't make another one. 

         Okay, so the story. It's pretty much an abridged take on Wolverine's backstory in the comics. Born in Canada as James Howlett, Wolverine witness the death of his father, John Howlett, at the hands of the family groundskeeper, Thomas Logan. James, enraged, has his mutation kick in with bone claws growing from between his knuckles and he impales Thomas, who reveals himself to be James' true father. Running away, James, who eventually starts calling himself Logan, is caught by Thomas' other son, Victor Creed, and the two half-brothers stick together. Now, obviously, Logan and Victor aren't actually brothers in the comics, but this is an abridged take on the comics, so I'm willing to let it slide, despite how stupid it is. 

       Anyway, we then get a montage of Logan and Victor fighting in a number of wars for the American military, including the Civil War, World War I and II, and the Vietnam War. It's in Vietnam where Victor pushes it too far, and Logan tries to bail him out. Both brothers face the firing squad, survive, and are locked up. It's here where they meet Major William Stryker, who offers them spots on a black ops team with other mutants to carry out missions with Stryker himself. Among the team are mutants Chris Bradley, Fred Dukes, John Wraith, Agent Zero, and Wade Wilson. Yes, the same Wade Wilson later seen in the Deadpool movies, and played in this movie by Ryan Reynolds. Anyway, the unit attacks a fortified compound to acquire a meteor fragment, and the man who has it as a desk ornament reveals that it came from a small village not far away. The villagers, however, deem the meteor to be sacred, and Stryker has Victor try to kill one of them, only to be stopped by Logan, who tears off his dog tags and leaves the unit behind. 

         Years later, and Logan is living a quiet life in Canada with his new girlfriend Kayla Silverfox. Okay, I'll give the movie a point for having Logan and Silver Fox be a couple just like the comics. And, Lynn Collins does a decent job as the movie version of Silver Fox, called Kayla Silverfox. Although, her story about the spirit who was the moon's lover being the inspiration of his moniker of Wolverine was kinda stupid. At.the same time, we see Victor going after Bradley, killing him. Stryker approaches Logan, asking him for help. When he refuses, Kayla is killed by Victor. Logan goes after Victor, who defeats him. Stryker then offers Logan the tools to defeat Victor...by grafting Adamantium onto his skeleton. Logan agrees to this, but escapes before his memory is erased. 

         Stryker sends Agent Zero after Logan, who is taking shelter at a farm of an elderly couple. The couple is killed,.the barn is destroyed, and Logan defeats Zero and his men. Stryker is later told that only one thing can stop Logan now: an Adamantium bullet. What, seriously? A bullet made of Adamantium? That's just.... stupid! Anyway, Logan meets up with John Wraith and Fred Dukes, the latter of whom has gotten a bit on the rotund size. After a boxing match, Fred tells Logan that Victor is working with Stryker, rounding up mutants for some kind of experiment on a hidden base called Three Mile Island. Also, the only prisoner to have escaped from the Island is a mutant named Remy LeBeau/Gambit, who is currently in New Orleans at the poker tables. Victor and Stryker, meanwhile, pick up a young mutant named Scott Summers. 

       In New Orleans, Logan and Gambit duke it out, Victor kills John, and eventually catches up with Logan. And just before Logan and Victor can fight it out, Gambit starts fighting Logan again, and Victor gets away. Gambit eventually agrees to take Logan to the Island, where Stryker is experimenting on mutants to produce what he calls "Weapon XI/Deadpool," which uses the collected powers of several mutants...all stuffed into the body of Wade, whose mouth has been grafted shut. BOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

        Anyway, the captive mutants, with help from Logan and a not-dead Kayla (yeah, her death was staged for Logan to volunteer for Stryker's experiment), are broken out, and are guided to a helicopter carrying Professor Xavier to them. Logan fights Weapon XI, and defeats him with Victor's help. Logan reunites with Kayla, only to be shot by Stryker's Adamantium bullets. Kayla sends Stryker on a long walk, and dies lying next to Logan, who is awakened by Gambit. Logan is revealed to have amnesia from the Adamantium bullets, and he and Gambit part ways. Movie over. 

        Okay, so where to start with what's wrong with this movie? Well, it rushes through years of storytelling of Logan's time in the various wars he fought in just to get to the Weapon X stuff. And even that got fucked up. The inconsistency of the location of the Weapon X facility, which was clearly established as Alkali Lake in the Canadian Rockies in X2 and X-Men: The Last Stand, was absolutely asinine and almost unforgivable. 

        And the way that both Deadpool and Gambit were adapted for this movie was atrocious. Don't get me wrong, both Ryan Reynolds and Taylor Kitsch were decent enough fits for their roles. However, piss poor writing and lousy directing by Gavin Hood ruined two fan-favorite X-Men characters. In fact, this entire movie was great casting ruined by shitty writing and directing, as will.I.am was a fantastic choice for John Wraith, as were Dominic Monaghan as Chris Bradley, Daniel Henney as Agent Zero, Liev Schreiber as Victor Creed, and even Danny Huston as William Stryker. 

          Overall, this mess of a movie was just bad ideas crammed together into a film that even leading man Hugh Jackman admittedly was disappointed in the final product. Was the 2007-2008 Writer's Strike to blame? Possibly. But, even with that in mind, this is just not a good movie. It's pretty bad. I'm giving X-Men Origins: Wolverine a rating of 0.15/5. Seriously, don't waste your time with this one. 

       Alrighty guys, this is Chuck signing off, and Marvel May will resume this Friday with Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3, followed next Monday by X-Men: First Class.