Review - Ready to Rumble (2000)

         Hey guys, Chuck here. I just gotta say, I'm a big fan of professional wrestling. Especially pro-wrestling as seen in the WWE. However, the movie I'm discussing today, released by Warner Bros. in the year 2000, was produced by the now defunct promotion World Championship Wrestling, or WCW for short. This is Ready to Rumble. 

          So, the movie focuses on two WCW fans named Gordie and Sean, played respectively by David Arquette and Scott Caan. Gordie and Sean work together at the dumbest job possible, driving a truck that cleans out human waste out of porta-potties. Also, Gordie's dad, played by Richard Lineback, wants Gordie to join the police force like himself and the rest of their family. Also, Gordie gets upset when his dad calls wrestling "fake." And I would like to clear the air here about professional wrestling, as I do agree that wrestling is not "fake." Sure, storylines are scripted, moves are choreographed, and match outcomes are pre-determined. Duh, of course they are. However, to call something like wrestling "fake" would be to imply that it doesn't hurt, and that is far from the case. In fact, the men and women that perform in professional wrestling put their bodies through an insane amount of punishment, and are pretty much in near-constant pain because of it. On top of that, you have to consider the endless amount of injuries, like broken bones, torn muscles, concussions, teeth getting knocked out, and in rare occasions paralysis and even death. So, no, wrestling is not fake. It's not real, per se, but it's not fake. However, when Gordie says that wrestling isn't fake, he genuinely believes it, as he and Sean are what are known as "marks;" wrestling fans who believe everything in professional wrestling is 100 percent legitimate, and have an unhealthy obsession. In fact, we actually see Gordie have a brain-freeze induced fantasy about wrestling against a jerk of a convince store clerk inside the store, and somehow working in a Macho Man Randy Savage cameo. This is how WCW saw wrestling fans, specifically THEIR fans: a bunch of near brain-dead marks. 

      Now, Gordie and Sean end up with tickets to WCW Monday Nitro in Cheyenne, Wyoming, and they get to see their favorite wrestler live. Now, one might assume that their favorite wrestler might be either Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Sting, or Bill Goldberg, but no. In fact, Flair and Hogan aren't even in this movie. No, their favorite wrestler is one that was made up for the movie: Jimmy King, played by Oliver Platt. First off, what the hell? WCW had sooo many icons to choose from, so why make up a fictional wrestler? Secondly, Jimmy King isn't even original, as he seems to be somewhat based on WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler. Southern accent, royalty gimmick, a "holier-than-thou" attitude, and even similar entrance music. However, as opposed to Mussorgsky's "Great Gate of Kiev," we have Copland's "Fanfare for the Common Man." And that seems confusing. King... common man... which one are you, dude? Oh, and he even raps Run-DMC's "King of Rock." Okay, three questions: One, if you're the king of rock, why are you rapping? Two, why are you walking to the ring to Copland? Three, why? All of it, just why? It's here that we meet King's opponent, real-life wrestler Diamond Dallas Page, and we also meet fictitious head booker of WCW Titus Sinclair, played by Joe Pantoliano. Originally, this was supposed to be Eric Bischoff as a fictitious version of himself, but he'd been let go of WCW when they were filming the movie. In fact, Bischoff pitched the film to Warner Bros. when WCW was making bank and leading the ratings during the Monday Night Wars. But by the time they started filming, WCW was losing money, and fell to the WWE, at the time WWF, show Monday Night Raw, and eventually, WCW would be bought out by Vince McMahon. Anyway, the title match happens on Nitro, and DDP begins shooting on King. For those who aren't wrestling fans, "shooting" is another way of saying "breaking from script," or fighting for real. Eventually, DDP's random grab bag of wrestlers shows up, including the likes of Sid Vicious (Sycho Sid for the WWE fans), Bam Bam Bigelow, Van Hammer, Prince Iaukea, and Juventud Guererra. Just who are these guys supposed to be, the NW-No? Following them, we get a swerve when Jimmy King's equally random stable, including Perry Saturn and Curt Hennig, show up and beat the crap out of him. DDP gets the pinfall, winning the title, and King is screwed out of the WCW.  Ironically, when this movie was released, Perry Saturn was signed to the WWF. So a WCW movie had a WWF wrestler in it. Oops.

          After Nitro, Gordie and Sean wander aimlessly after wrecking their turd-mobile, and decide to find Jimmy King, and help him right the wrong that was done to him. With help from a guy named Isaac, played by the Sherminator himself Chris Owen, Gordie and Sean find King in a trailer park, and convince him to reclaim his title. After an unsanctioned fight at an arena in New York, Sinclair offers King another shot at the title, plus a million dollars, in the steel cage at an upcoming pay-per-view. Gordie and Sean then set up King to get training from Sal Bandini, played by Martin Landau, who is easily the best actor in this movie. The character of Sal is based on real-life wrestling legend Stu Hart, an older gentleman whose best days are well behind him, but he can still twist your ass in a pretzel. 

       Meanwhile, Gordie enters into a relationship with Sasha, played by Rose McGowan, who is one of the WCW Nitro Girls. But once it's revealed that she's working with Sinclair to screw over King, Gordie breaks up with her. King and Sean then go to meet King's former tag-team partner Bill Goldberg at a gym, which features an uncredited cameo by John Cena (at a time before anyone even knew who he was). The night of the pay-per-view arrives, and the match is revealed to be a triple cage: three cages of different sizes stacked on top of each other, with the title belt hanging above the top cage, and both wrestlers starting in the bottom cage. It's easily the coolest thing we see in the entire movie, and almost seems inspired by the "Tower of Doom." However, in the Tower of Doom, wrestlers start off in the top cage and work their way down. So, what we're dealing with is a Tower of Doom in reverse. Although, given the progression of this movie, it's more like a tower of dumb. So, DDP and King duke it out, countless wrestlers enter the fray, including Goldberg, Booker T, Billy Kidman, and a WCW wrestler called Disco Inferno. Sting also interferes, swinging in like Tarzan and knocking DDP off the top cage. King wins the title, names Gordie as his tag-team partner, and Sean as their manager. Movie over. 

        This movie is bad. Really bad. It's absolutely insulting to wrestling fans, and is really unfunny. Don't get me wrong, the movie did have some good things about it, like Martin Landau's performance, but that's really it. Ready to Rumble doesn't work as a wrestling movie or as a comedy, and is only worth a rating of 1.25/5. Meanwhile, around the time this movie was released, WCW created a storyline feud between DDP and Jeff Jarrett, and David Arquette got involved, and helped DDP regain the WCW World Heavyweight title. Some time later, Vince Russo, after hearing Tony Schiavonne make a joking suggestion about making David Arquette the world champion, actually took the suggestion seriously, and put Arquette in a tag-team match with DDP, and the two would face Eric Bischoff and Jeff Jarrett. Arquette won the title, and would later drop it at the WCW Slamboree pay-per-view in a triple threat match against DDP and Jeff Jarrett inside of the Ready to Rumble triple cage. Now, the decision to make David Arquette the WCW champion did nothing to help WCW ratings, or Ready to Rumble's box office numbers. It was just a bad idea all around.

      Now, if I don't like this movie that much, you might be wondering why I decided to review it. Well, I started getting back into watching wrestling recently, and I decided to review a movie that had ties to professional wrestling. Sadly, Ready to Rumble was the only movie I could think of. Next time, I'll be taking a look at a really fun movie from my childhood: Small Soldiers.